How To Be A Friend To a Friend Who’s Lost a Pet

When my cat died, my friend sent flowers to me. Deeply touched, I called to thank her. Her reply was matter of fact. “Peggy,” she said, “that’s just what we do when a loved one dies.

Unfortunately, not everyone realizes that pets fall into that category. How can you support a friend who’s grieving the loss of a pet?

1. Acknowledge the loss. All it takes is, “I was so sorry to hear.” When people ignore our loss it leaves us feeling isolated in our pain.
2. Don’t assume you know how they must be doing. You may assume that they’re devastated but secretly they’re relieved because the pet was sick and needed care that cost lots of time and money. They will miss a pet whom they loved but they won’t miss those other things.
3. Give them time and space to talk — or not. One of the ways in which we grieve is by telling stories. You can invite those stories with simple questions; for example, “How did you name your pet?” “How did they come to live with you?” “What’s your favorite memory?” If your friend starts crying. you haven’t done anything wrong. You might feel guilty, thinking that you somehow made your friend sad. No, your friend was already sad. You’ve just given them a place for expressing it. If your friend doesn’t want to talk, don’t push it. Sometimes we just need to sit with our grief for a while.
4. You may acknowledge your own experience (“it was really hard for me when my pet died”) but this isn’t the time to share your story. People in grief may be so consumed with their own pain that they have no room for anyone else’s.
5. Don’t tell them when they should get another pet. One of the best things you can do is to give them permisison to do whatever THEY need to do. There is a danger of trying to replace a pet with one that seems like a carbon copy but more often I’ve seen people completely surprised by the next-right-pet who shows up in their lives when they weren’t planning on it. People worry that if they get another pet quickly it diminishes their grief for the one they lost. The truth is we can both mourn a lost pet and welcome a new pet at the same time.
6. If their grief is affecting their ability to live their life, encourage them to talk with a therapist. Grief can have many layers. The pet may have played a large role in their lives as a companion or a comforter, or been the reason they kept going when life was hard. The pet may be the last connection to a spouse, parent or child who has also died, and so when the pet dies, it’s like losing that loved one all over again. Reassure them that they aren’t being weird and stupid, and lots of people need a little help in navigating grief.

Most of all, just be kind. My friend sent those flowers in 1995. Obviously, I’ve never forgotten it.